Mrs. Marcos would be far too formal for as much as we’ve shared. By all means, just call me Imelda. Would you like some coffee? No, fine. Just allow me to pour myself a cup, you don’t mind that I’m lounging in a robe, do you? Thanks. Ah, perfect, now that I have my coffee, let me tell you a little story about a wild, gray haired gal with a closely guarded but deep seated shoe fetish and what happens when you turn her loose at DSW.
Oh, you don’t have time for a story? Neither do I. I left this freaking hotel at the crack of dawn and didn’t return until midnight last night. I’m freakin tired. So, here are the highlights:
We ate breakfast. Me and Jason? We’re totally twinsies now: scrambled eggs, wheat toast, taters, coffee. He just doesn’t have my nasty cigarette habit.
Jason, me, Beatriz, The Earring Lady, and Todd storm Union Square’s DSW’s entrance. I mean we STORMED that mutha. In fact, we stormed it 576 THOUSAND times before we got the right shot of me prancing my pert little butt in there.
Then we stormed that DSW escalator. Gratefully, we did this in one take.
Next, Jason, me, Beatriz, The Earring Lady, Todd and, now, someone named Valencia, storm the DSW store. I mean we STORMED that mutha. In fact, we stormed it 576 BILLIONTY times before we got the right shot of me frothing at the mouth to get in there.
Before we go any further, allow me to introduce to you our cast of characters for the day:
Jason – you met him yesterday. Trusty sidekick. Shoulder to cry upon. Quick to call me many variations of Peach, including, but not limited to: Peach, Peaches and Peach Pot. Jason has the unfortunate task of lugging around a 600 pound camera to film me. In addition to his aforementioned duties, he is also a producer. I heart Jason. I heart Jason hard. He’s with me morning, noon and night.
Beatriz – Director. Cute as a bug. My height. Her job requires her to ask me mean questions such as: Why are you crying? Do those _______ make you feel pretty/sexy/ like a fly mutha-bleeper? Though I call Bea, The Mean Lady, she’s actually super sweet and very kind. It is not Bea’s fault that she has to ask the icky ‘Feeling Questions.’ Bea has green leather boots I want to steal. She’s also quick with razored humour to perk even the sobbiest of Amanda’s.
The Earring Lady – a.k.a I think her name is Jackie. She’s funny as hell, works for the show as sort of a task master and can rock a leather jacket like nobody’s buisness. She wears kick ass earrings and her favorite color is plum. She also hates her ass. I hate my ass, too, so she’s okay by me. I want all the hair she has.
Todd – He is what you would call a P.A. If I or any other of the folks around me demanded 6 garden gnomes, a bathtub of chocolate milk, the entire collection of Willie Nelson’s body of work downloaded to our iPods and a small adopted child from a foreign country to wear as an accessory, Todd would make this happen. He’d make it happen in about 5 minutes. Happily, the crew loves Todd, probably because he carries all the money around, so his talents are not abused. Instead, he grabs us coffee, soda, snacks ( he totally carries a snack bag) and spends a lot of time taking old tapes to the studio and bringing back fresh tapes to use in the camera. Todd is an angel. Todd has chocolates. Todd never stops smiling. I super-heart Todd.
One we got the shots we needed, I became a crazed woman.
I am obsessed with shoes and it’s near frightening what happens to a woman who hasn’t shoe shopped in over three years and you hand her a shopping spree. It’s…frightening. All I will tell you, can tell you, is I met some amazing DSW employees and strutted out of DSW with one, two, THREE big ass bags o’ shoes.
Next we went shopping in one of those snooty boutiques. You know the kind: aloof sales folk, sky high prices, everything on the racks a size zero through plus-size, with means a four. They say, “If you see anything you like, we have all the larger sizes in the back.”
Do sizes 6 through 14 frighten the wealthy? Do they bully the more vulnerable, fragile smaller sizes? Are they unruly? Why do they have to live in the ‘The Back’? Do they scare the sales persons who seem to be in dire need of a sandwich…or three?
Aaaannd Scene. End of rant.
So yeah. Lots of shoes, LOTS of shopping – not just at the size snob place - I think we hit 4 or 5 shops. I bought quite a bit, too and I’m really curious to find out if Stacy and Clinton think I followed the rules…and I’m proud to report that I broke one of my most offensive habits: NOT TRYING ON CLOTHES BEFORE I BUY THEM. I did. I tried on clothes. And guess what? It actually helps you find things that actually fit you. Who’d a thunk it?
So now I’m off for day two of shopping. Day two means having Stacy and Clinton around and on hand to help, so I’ll certainly be on my best and least infuriating behavior.
Special note to Peanut: I miss you somethin’ fierce.