Texas®

I would like to be able to tell each and every one of you that I will always tell the truth and do the right thing in every situation. As I look you in the eye. With my hand placed on the Bible. I know some folks like to swear on a stack of Bibles, but I don’t think that quantity really matters in this case. I’m a “less is more” kind of a guy. And I couldn’t swear on my parent’s graves, because they’re both still living. I’m drifting from my point. That happens quite a bit. But if we were meant to to focus all the time, we wouldn’t have peripheral vision, right?

I have never been comfortable answering a “What if…?” question. They seem like a waste of time. Because the answer I give today probably won’t be the way I react tomorrow. I am very brave on my couch after a few glasses of wine. In fact, I am a superhero. And I say that because I usually wear a cape and a utility belt when I’m in the privacy of my own home. But I honestly don’t know what I would do if someone did harm to my kids or a tornado was seconds away from my house or if I witnessed something morally wrong. And I don’t think that makes me a coward. I think it makes me human. I celebrate my flaws. It is my imperfections that keep me going.

Having said all of that, it is going to be semi-embarrassing to admit that I am not always in the moment. If I see a crack in my house, I wonder how in the hell I am going to pay for a new foundation. If my foot is numb in the morning when I wake up, I curse my luck that I have come down with a bad case of muscular dystrophy. And if a friend doesn’t text me back within five seconds of of me sending him a text, I am replaying every conversation we’ve ever had to figure out where our friendship went south and soured. That is simply crazy. Human. Nuts. Yeah.

Knowing that you don’t have it all together is the first step. At least it was for me. There is really no way to study for a test on hypotheticals. Because there is no right answer. And once it becomes a reality, it’s no longer a hypothetical. And then you’ll react. And at that moment you’ll know exactly what you would do when faced with a “What If…?”

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

I feel good. I’m not bragging. It’s just a fact. I am happy about it. I realize I am lucky. There are people right now that are not feeling so great. I feel bad about that. I am empathetic. I hope their situation changes. I have a friend whose back is all jacked-up and has been for months and the only thing she does is complain and I’m fairly certain that does little to provide relief. I suggested that she investigate the merits of yoga and she suggested that I investigate the endless possibilities of placing anything that comes out of my mouth into a place that never sees the sun. Fair enough.

I have stopped saying that I feel good for my age. I don’t know what someone my age should feel like. I think losing most of my hair in my 20′s prepared me for what was going to happen the older I got. So now when I run into someone I havent seen for years they remark that Ihavent changed one bit. Of course, they may be referring to the fact that I’m still a bit of a jerk and dress like an unemployed skateboard salesman. But I choose to believe they are talking about my looks. And my not too fat gut.

The only medication I take is wine. I take a few supplements: Omega 3, B-12, vitamin D. I’m not sure if they work but they sure taste great when they’re knocked back with a glass or two of red. I try as hard as I can to monitor what I put in my body. If I’m putting food that is colorful into my mouth, I believe I’m on the right track. Of course, M&M’s are rainbow colored. And Twizzlers. Not sure where they fit on the anti-oxidant pyramid of goodness. But come one, foodies, doesn’t it all even out if I alternate between popping bite-sized Snickers in my cake-hole with crunchy carrot sticks? Isn’t the way to live adhering to the phrase “everything in moderation?” It’s the same reasoning behind the flu shot, right? You give yourself the flu to protect yourself from the flu. So, the best way to make your body immune to fat is to make sure it’s supplied with the same deliciousness daily. Hey, I’m certain that I’m no doctor. But I know what I like. And I like to feel good.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

I officially give up. There is now too much information. Even when I try to learn, my brain informs me that, due to circumstances beyond my control, I am closed. Recently, I was in Austin. I know, look at me! World traveler. And when I’m in Austin, I always visit two of my favorite places. Waterloo Records and Book People. They are across the street from one another. Very convenient. I get very excited thinking about it. Music and books are weaved throughout my life. On my table next to my drinking chair sits at least 20 CDs and 30 books. Whenever I am sad I look at my table. I look at my table all of the time.

I walked into Waterloo Records. It’s organized chaos. Music is alphabetized and categorized for both enjoyment and protection. There is nothing I have to have, which means I am not looking for anything in particular, which causes me to be rudderless, which makes me nervous. I have several hours before I have to be anywhere, so you think that would be a perfect scenario for leisurely browsing. Nope. I wander over to the listening station and gaze at the selections. Okay, I like Lindsey Buckingham. Great guitarist. Plays with his thumb. Had sex with Stevie Nicks back when she was prettier and I had bangs. I fumble with the headphones and try to put them on over my hat, which I’m wearing because I am bald and don’t have sunscreen. My hat falls off. I pick up my hat and drop my sunglasses. I put the headphones back on the hook and knock several Wilco CDs off their perch and onto the head of a baby sitting quietly in a stroller. Until then. I decide I’m more in the mood for books, so I leave. Quickly.

As I enter Book People, I am greeted politely by a staff member who apparently hasn’t heard that I am a one man flash mob. I decide to get some coffee from a woman who would have to do some major disassembling of her face to pass through a metal detector. I figure a double espresso with steamed milk is the perfect companion to help me in my quest to find the perfect book that hooks me in the first few pages like a deep sea fisherman and keep me engaged for the next 400 pages so that when I finish I feel both a sense of accomplishment and worn out from my word journey.

But it doesn’t happen. I pick up several books that the staff recommends on a note card, begin to get the jitters from the caffeine jolt, leave the books on a display where they don’t belong and make a beeline for the bathroom.

Sometimes, there are more important things than the arts.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

I know I am missing something. Sitting at home. In my chair. Things are happening outside my living room. I could go hear some live music. I know some people, so there’s a good chance that I wouldn’t even have to pay the cover charge. And I don’t drink that much when I’m out so I could probably get a nice buzz going for less than twenty dollars, including tip and gratuity, which is the same thing but if you can’t be redundant in your own column, where can you say the same thing but with different words?

What in the hell is going on? Better yet, what in the hell is not going on? Do you ever get the feeling that there is a party happening that not only are you not invited to but if you discover, through serendipity, where it is, the minute you show up everyone leaves with the excuse that there is no more booze even thought they pass by you with beer in their hands? I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I guess the older I get the less inclined I am to chase the good times. Hey, if fun doesn’t want to be my friend than I am not going to go out of my way to seek it out. That’ll show fun. Sure will. I’ll be the first person to make fun cry. Take that, fun.

There are only so many life changing events. Your birth. Marriage. Your kids. Your death. If you don’t get married, you don’t have to worry about getting a divorce. And you may or may not have kids. I’m not going to judge. So, the two things we all experience is being born and being dead. And try as we might, we can’t explain either one of them. I know there are cases where people are clinically considered dead but come back to life. Hey, they’re not dead. They’re alive with an asterisk. There was a typo on their expiration date. Great, they saw a light. And angels singing. And God paying bills in the corner. I once saw the Easter Bunny ride a unicorn to a pot luck supper given to President Obama by radical tea-partiers. So, there.

Upon further reflection, it’s probably for the best that I spend most of my time, when I’m not performing, at home. In my chair. Whatever I am missing will still be there when Imake it out of the house. And if I happen to run into fun, there may be a fight.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

I am no different than you. I worry. I fret. I get anxious. I wonder why bad things happen to good people. I also wonder why good things happen to bad people. Makes no sense at all. I care. I will go out on a limb for something or someone I believe in. I lie. But I favor quality over quantity. I will not tell the truth if it makes someone happy. I probably would lie to keep someone out of jail. Maybe I wouldn’t. Though I do know the difference between telling a friend that they have indeed become fat versus telling a police officer that my fat friend set his house on fire so that he could collect insurance money and spend it all on his dream of eating brunch in every country of the world. Maybe I am different than you.

Now, I do know this. I am no better than you. I have been fired before. At a radio station. The term he used was “let go.” That stopped the tears. But that was the longest job I’ve had in my adult life. Lasted a year. Twelve paychecks. And I don’t want to name-drop but I am going to because I’ve started to understand that gossip sells and if you know anything about me at all you know that I am all about the money. Look at the way I am dressed. George Lopez. He fired me. It was way before he had a show, but he was still quite popular in the clubs. Evidently, he didn’t enjoy the way I performed my twenty minutes of comedy the first night we worked together. I suppose it is the perfect example of the phrase “was it something I said?” He didn’t do it personally. The management of the club did. And they let me down easy. “Don’t come in the rest of the week. George doesn’t like you.” That stopped the tears.

We’ve both gone on with our careers. George on TV and me watching George on TV. Not really. Like I said, I will lie. Did I get enjoyment out of him getting fired from his talk show? If I said yes, that would mean that I hold grudges and can’t let go of the past and am petty. In short, human. To be honest, I didn’t mind it. In fact, when Iheard the news, I said to no one in particular, “Don’t come in the rest of the week. America doesn’t like you.”

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

You might not be able to tell by the way I write or the things that I write about, but I am a big fan of yoga. Began practicing 15 years ago. I was tired of wearing ankle braces when I played basketball and had grown weary of going to sleep with an ice bag under my butt. So I took a class, and at the end of it, I couldn’t take a step without a tingly sensation shooting up my ankle, through my groin and out my shoulder blades. I was in too much pain to cry , and when I caught a refelction of my face in the elevator door, I was almost smiling. And at that moment, I knew I was hooked and I would be back. And I was.

I am not a big fan of headstands. Or handstands. The reason is, and I’m going to ask you to focus for a moment, the reason is that I am afraid of heights and to me, being upside down is exactly like standing at the edge of a rooftop looking straight down. And I bring this up because if my teacher announces at the beginning of class that we will be doing those poses, any thought of reaching weekend nirvana or achieving a dollop of zen goes bye-bye in the car-car. I start thinking of ways I can sneak out. Maybe I can mentally make my phone ring and then I can excuse myself because it is a very important call that I must simply take. That would probably work, except my phone is  in my car-car because phones are frowned upon in yoga class. Because yoga knows that I hate headstands. And handstands.

And I don’t do the hot yoga, as I am certain that my downward dog would come down with a case of e-coli. I sweat in the shower, so trust me, I am doing everyone a favor by not showing up. Heating up internally and externally may turn you on and flip your switch and loosen your reins, but I am not into bringing a squeegee to a yoga class. I also don’t like to listen to music. I don’t need Beyonce singing to help me feel the pose. Or dumbbells. Yoga is not about multi-tasking. I’ve got a great idea: why don’t we just practice an art that’s been around for thousands of years and just leave it alone. We don’t need to update it. Put our spin on it. Americanize it. Unless that means getting rid of headstands. And handstands. Then I’m all in.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

I have never been a trendsetter. If walls could talk, my bedroom would constantly be screaming, “What in the hell are you wearing today?” I always look like it’s laundry day at my house and what I have on is all that is clean. But really, everything goes with basketball shorts, even long-sleeve pearl snap western shirts. My wife gave up long ago in trying to persuade me to dress better. I actually rented a suit for our wedding but had to get it back by three o’ clock that afternoon, so I ended up wearing shorts and running shoes at our reception. With a collared shirt. We have pictures to prove it. But I am not allowed to show them to anyone. It’s become a fashion faux paus urban legend. Yes, I just used “faux paus” in a sentence. I almost minored in French in college. I can still sing the French national anthem, and one night after consuming one glass of wine too many, I found myself at the local International House of Pancakes. When the waitress wanted to make sure that I really wanted French toast and waffles, I cleared my vocal chords and sang the anthem I had memorized oh, so many years ago to the delight of no one.

I have never been a go-getter. Sometimes I will take “No” for an answer. And I’ll be completely satisfied that I did my job to the best of my ability. I don’t think I’m lazy. I will always finish a project before the deadline. And I take great pride in doing whatever it is I said I was going to do. But I will take a nap. I surely will. And wake up with no regrets other than wishing I hadn’t napped for so long. To call it a power nap would imply that once I woke up I immediately sprang back into action, refreshed. That is usually not the case. I may gingerly walk into the kitchen for a glass of juice. Or water. A man has to have options. I’ll check the house to see if the kids are around. I’ll pet our dog. Fill her bowl with water. Or juice. A dog has to have options. Finally, I’ll start thinking about dinner. Do I make it? Do I order it? Do we go out? If we go out, where do we go? And while these questions might tire some people out, I’ve just had a nap. So I figure it out. Before my wife gets home. From work. Someone has to. She is such a go-getter.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

 

A man has to know his limitations. So does a woman. Adults, that is. Kids should make mistakes and test their limits all the time. Your kids. My kids need to listen to their mom and dad. And their grandma. Because I still have to. I am lucky that both of my parents are still around. And live close. Not down-the-street close. As great as that sounds, I am fairly certain it would be uncomfortable at best and unbearable at worst. I consider myself a good son because I know that older people don’t like surprises. Like unannounced visits from their kids. A man should know his limitations.

A man needs to temper his expectations. I’m going to pass on declaring what a woman should expect. I don’t know. I do my best trying to remain poker faced when I talk to my wife. I don’t wanna give away my hand. Maybe she’ll call my bluff and I’ll have to go to the pot luck supper followed by charades and ice cream given by one of her co-workers. Better to have never gone to a party than to go and have to go again, to paraphrase William Shakespeare. I’m hoping no one knows what “paraphrase” means. A man has to temper his expectations.

A man needs to honor his obligations, I’m positive my wife agrees with me on that. Do what you say and say what you do. That’s not quite as catchy as “Take All You Want But Eat All You Take,” which is my favorite buffet jingle. That phrase is probably responsible for most America being a tad obese. No one wants to be yelled at by the co-assistant day manager at the Golden Corral for leaving a half of a potsticker on their plate. And as I get older, I follow instructions less and less. Tell me to do something and it will never get done. Ask me to do something and I will more than likely think about doing it.  But all this big-boy talk gets thrown out the window when it’s my wife doing the telling and asking and tricking. Because we’ve been married over 20 years. And a man needs to know his obligations.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

Comedian Dave Little is the newest edition to the team here at Best of Texas. As one of the funniest guys around, he’ll pop on a couple of times a month to let us know what’s going through that brain of his. Here’s Dave’s second post for us. Enjoy…

I have a “giving thanks” rating system that is skewered and unbalanced and doesn’t make sense. There are no points given. I understand that it doesn’t get me in or keep me out of heaven. But I do it religiously every day, much like brushing my teeth or checking my oldest son’s Facebook status to see if he’s been drinking. And before you judge me as an unfit parent, please know that I only do it because he doesn’t keep a diary.

I like to give thanks every day. Not uncommon. Many people do it. I wasn’t brought up in the church because my mom didn’t like to wear hats, but that hasn’t kept me from believing there is something bigger than all of us out or up there, somewhere. So instead of sacrificing a goat in the backyard or going to the trouble to build an alter on which to place a virgin, I just take a minute to express my gratitude. I do it out loud. I do it in my head. It’s easy. Much easier than trying to find a virgin.

The key to my system is getting it out first thing in the morning. Sometimes Iwill open my eyes, take a deep breath, get out of bed, take a few steps and say “Thanks.” And it’s done. I’m ready to get on with my day. Other times, I will open my eyes, take a deep breath, get out of bed, trip on the 15 pillows my wife keeps on the bed that I have to throw off at night to make space so I can lay down, scream a  few curse words, then say “Thanks.” Followed by “Sorry.” And “Go back to sleep, kids.” Like I said, my system is flawed and is still in the beta stage. I don’t know if it will ever launch or be bug-free.

But life is hectic. Sometimes it’s hustle, sometimes it’s bustle. My mind wanders. And then I’m halfway through my day before I remember that I haven’t given thanks. But I don’t panic. That would be counter-productive. I consider closing my eyes and taking a deep breath to reflect and gain inspiration, but realize that I am driving, so I only take a deep breath. Then I let it out. I continue this pattern until I am safely parked in my driveway. Home. I look through the windshield and suddenly I have it, right in front of me. I smile, close my eyes and give thanks that I wasn’t stopped by the police because I have an expired inspection sticker.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

Comedian Dave Little is the newest edition to the team here at Best of Texas. As one of the funniest guys around, he’ll pop on a couple of times a month to let us know what’s going through that brain of his. Here’s Dave’s first post for us. Enjoy…

I am not interested in politics. I ran for student council in high school because I was under the impression we would have a longer lunch on the days that we met. That was not true. I think I was elected because I could keep a secret and played on the varsity basketball team. Those were my qualifications. My only contribution to the group was in the yearbook photo where I goosed the kid in front of me so he made a face while I looked on innocently. Wayne Newell was his name. I believe he became a dentist. Sorry for what I did, Wayne.

I am interested in politicians who get caught with their hand in the cookie jar. I believe that euphamism covers it all, whether it’s graft or greed or sexual misconduct. In fact, when I read about someone who is dressed down or publicly skewered, I want to buy them a beer. And some potato skins. Loaded. I trust people who make mistakes. I tell my kids that the worst thing you can do is not admit when you are wrong. And that you will never get in trouble for telling the truth. Okay, that’s probably something that will come back to haunt me: “Dad, I told my teacher that she was stupid.”

I am not interested in the things that politicians say to get elected. They hardly ever come true and are so generic that it’s hard to figure out if they were actually responsible for getting it done. How about a platform consisting of “I’m going to do the best I can and if your life isn’t better in the next two to four years I will give back what I was paid and resign from office but it is up to you to list the things that happened to you and why you consider it my fault.” You’re right. Wordy.

I am interested in everything being okay. I do like chaos as long as it is organized and doesn’t surprise me. I consider myself a liberal but my kids believe I’m a dictator and my wife is certain I’m a moderate and they are all correct. I am a social chameleon who speaks up when I shouldn’t and is a wallflower when it would be in my best interest to interact and make friends and be inquisitive. But if I don’t want to be like that, if it makes me uncomfortable, I would be less than genuine and I couldn’t live with myself. I’d be a phony. And that’s why I’m not interested in politics.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.