You might not be able to tell by the way I write or the things that I write about, but I am a big fan of yoga. Began practicing 15 years ago. I was tired of wearing ankle braces when I played basketball and had grown weary of going to sleep with an ice bag under my butt. So I took a class, and at the end of it, I couldn’t take a step without a tingly sensation shooting up my ankle, through my groin and out my shoulder blades. I was in too much pain to cry , and when I caught a refelction of my face in the elevator door, I was almost smiling. And at that moment, I knew I was hooked and I would be back. And I was.
I am not a big fan of headstands. Or handstands. The reason is, and I’m going to ask you to focus for a moment, the reason is that I am afraid of heights and to me, being upside down is exactly like standing at the edge of a rooftop looking straight down. And I bring this up because if my teacher announces at the beginning of class that we will be doing those poses, any thought of reaching weekend nirvana or achieving a dollop of zen goes bye-bye in the car-car. I start thinking of ways I can sneak out. Maybe I can mentally make my phone ring and then I can excuse myself because it is a very important call that I must simply take. That would probably work, except my phone is in my car-car because phones are frowned upon in yoga class. Because yoga knows that I hate headstands. And handstands.
And I don’t do the hot yoga, as I am certain that my downward dog would come down with a case of e-coli. I sweat in the shower, so trust me, I am doing everyone a favor by not showing up. Heating up internally and externally may turn you on and flip your switch and loosen your reins, but I am not into bringing a squeegee to a yoga class. I also don’t like to listen to music. I don’t need Beyonce singing to help me feel the pose. Or dumbbells. Yoga is not about multi-tasking. I’ve got a great idea: why don’t we just practice an art that’s been around for thousands of years and just leave it alone. We don’t need to update it. Put our spin on it. Americanize it. Unless that means getting rid of headstands. And handstands. Then I’m all in.
Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.