Texas®

I have never been a trendsetter. If walls could talk, my bedroom would constantly be screaming, “What in the hell are you wearing today?” I always look like it’s laundry day at my house and what I have on is all that is clean. But really, everything goes with basketball shorts, even long-sleeve pearl snap western shirts. My wife gave up long ago in trying to persuade me to dress better. I actually rented a suit for our wedding but had to get it back by three o’ clock that afternoon, so I ended up wearing shorts and running shoes at our reception. With a collared shirt. We have pictures to prove it. But I am not allowed to show them to anyone. It’s become a fashion faux paus urban legend. Yes, I just used “faux paus” in a sentence. I almost minored in French in college. I can still sing the French national anthem, and one night after consuming one glass of wine too many, I found myself at the local International House of Pancakes. When the waitress wanted to make sure that I really wanted French toast and waffles, I cleared my vocal chords and sang the anthem I had memorized oh, so many years ago to the delight of no one.

I have never been a go-getter. Sometimes I will take “No” for an answer. And I’ll be completely satisfied that I did my job to the best of my ability. I don’t think I’m lazy. I will always finish a project before the deadline. And I take great pride in doing whatever it is I said I was going to do. But I will take a nap. I surely will. And wake up with no regrets other than wishing I hadn’t napped for so long. To call it a power nap would imply that once I woke up I immediately sprang back into action, refreshed. That is usually not the case. I may gingerly walk into the kitchen for a glass of juice. Or water. A man has to have options. I’ll check the house to see if the kids are around. I’ll pet our dog. Fill her bowl with water. Or juice. A dog has to have options. Finally, I’ll start thinking about dinner. Do I make it? Do I order it? Do we go out? If we go out, where do we go? And while these questions might tire some people out, I’ve just had a nap. So I figure it out. Before my wife gets home. From work. Someone has to. She is such a go-getter.

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Dave Little is a Dallas-based stand-up comedian, writer, musician and actor. He’s funny for Best of Texas twice a month, but he’s funny all the time on his website www.lovedavelittle.com.

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